Thursday, September 5, 2013

Down, Changeover

Courtney Blazon

Tonight, a big storm blew through the Bitterroot, giving some needed rain.  Beggars can't be choosers, but I would've liked more.

Josey and I had been at home, eating Kix, and making messes in most of the rooms of the house.  I was checking Instagram every five minutes or so, she was opening all her toiletries (diaper creme, Vitamin D drops, etc., all which she calls "sunscreen!")  She is loving life, with so much energy ALL THE TIME.  Wanting an excuse to be lazy, either the smoke or my full belly from the multiple bowls of Kix, I considered the time.  6:30, and I had a fed & bathed baby, who needed entertainment before she'd be ready to sleep.

"Wanna go for a run?"

"Run.  Run."  She started pacing around, as I pulled myself off the floor, leaving my iPhone there.

I started to change into a sportsbra and running shorts as she brought me one of my pink running shoes!  This morning before school, she brought me my sandals.  Girl is just so sweet & proud!
"Shoes." she says with her little baby-lisp.  

Really, I didn't want to run.  I wanted to feel sorry for myself, for the lurking to-do lists, my lack of productivity.  I wanted to look at social media and eat crap and lay around.  Teaching school is tiring, and I've been whooped at the end of these days.  Sometimes, 'ya gotta buck up.  

Josey squealed when she got in her stroller, and I meandered down the way.  We noted three bucks, one had some orange stuff caught in his rack.  I mulled in my head, she babbled and cooed -she's always happy to chat it up.  Neighbors waved on four-wheelers.  There was a baby-blue layer of sky underneath grey.  Turning onto another road, I kept walking.  Still sulking a little.

Finally, we felt some drops.  I had reached the bottom of a long, steady hill, unsure where the road would take us.  Pivoting the chariot, I started to run, and Josey cried, "Yayayay!"

It felt good to feel the burn, looking up at the eye of the storm, seeing lightning.  A storm to beat.  We got home and an even rain fell over the house for awhile, we read books and she went Ni-night to talk her Giraffe, Bubba, to sleep.  

This changeover thing, it's inevitably part of our lifestyle.  We're seasonal.  We get to live in some incredible places in Montana.  Grateful as I am, I still feel empty and sad in these in between times.  Blue without my boatman.  I have visions of the way things should be: a clean house, to-do lists crossed off, outfits picked out, early to bed and rise, but deep down, I know I'm just lazy me. 
Sometimes I think I should nail these changes.  The practice over the years, the emptiness I feel without James, should go away, and I should be better by now.


Then, the forest for the trees.


No need to beat myself up.
We have food to eat.
My daughter is happy.
I'm showing up for life and being pretty darn upbeat with my students.

Like that storm, this month will blow over.  



*Do you ever find yourself glued to your phone, comparing yourself to others in a negative way?  How do you fight it??  (I know the obvious answer is just put it down & pick up a good book, but I tend to make things more complicated...)*  


Coming up:

We're headed back to Glacier this weekend, followed by a post soon about our Boat Co. Family.  Also, I've started a Facebook page for Music at Many Glacier.  Will you please "like" it?  As you may have heard, the gigantic corporation Xanterra will be running the Hotel next summer.  I am set on making sure the music is an important part of the transition!  You'll be hearing more soon!


2 comments:

  1. Ooh, I know exactly how you feel... both the part without the partner around and the part about being glued to the web, comparing yourself to everyone around and wondering why you aren't doing better for yourself. Or why you don't feel better about the things you *have* accomplished.

    Distraction works for a while for me (books, music... ) but what I find really helps is looking for inspirational quotes. I've started pinning the ones that I really like or that really resonate: http://pinterest.com/nyghtfancies/thinking-positivity/

    Somehow it helps to remind myself that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    Hugs and good on you for going for a run!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Dakota~ thank you for reading and commiserating with me. I am going to check out your pinterest later. Love inspirational quotes! Hugs to you and your new babe. xoxo

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